Making the Shift from Solution to Connection

Letting go of the impulse to solve

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My wife wrote this on our kitchen whiteboard after a long conversation about our relationship. It was our biggest insight, coalescing after many layers of sharing and revelation.

No more solving.

We were discussing an interrelational dynamic we had identified: that when we try to “solve problems” in our relationship, it almost always ends poorly.

You’d think this was the right approach. We clearly have problems! Let’s treat them as such and get to solving.

But the moment we treat something as a problem, something shifts in us. In designating a problem, we each commit to our framing of what the problem is. When that framing inevitably disagrees, we start defending our position. We get lost in the details of what happened, debating which details are most relevant to what the problem actually is in the first place. As our frustration grows, we start to make each other the problem. The more we try and nail down what (or who) the problem is, the bigger the divide between us grows.

When we approach our relationship in this way, it almost always end in frustration. “We can’t even agree on what the problem is, hardly what to do about it!”"

On that day, we were exploring what the difference was between the times things ended in a charged mess of disagreement and the times things resolved effortlessly. What made the difference?

What we noticed was that when we came to those same situations with the pure motive of connection—when we held the same exact situation as not a problem-to-solve but a happening that we wanted to fully share and understand each others’ truths around— those same “problems” seamlessly and easefully melted away. When we stopped trying to solve and instead committed to connecting, a clear path forward would inevitably reveal itself. No trying, solving, or fixing necessary. The desire to try, solve, or fix was actually the very thing stopping us from finding a way forward.

This is a pattern I notice over and over with the founders and teams I work with. When they stop treating interrelational challenges as problems and instead choose to genuinely connect, listen, and candidly reveal, the problems disappear. In ceasing to treat things as problems, the problems melt away and paths forward reveal themselves, over and over again.

What’s here if there’s no problem to solve?

I was first introduced to this question by a mentor, who had heard it from Loch Kelly.

What’s here if there’s no problem to solve?

This is the essence of the shift from solution to connection. If you drop the impulse to make what’s happening a problem, drop the impulse to look for a solution or fix, what’s here? What’s left?

This is the first step in shifting from solution to connection — to drop into presence and connect to your self.

Imagine something that you’re making a problem right now. If you were to let go of this being a problem, what’s here for you?

• What thoughts, beliefs, opinions, and judgments?

• What feelings?

• What fears?

• What wants?

• What vulnerabilities?

The invitation is to stop looking outward at some invented problem and instead fully face your own inner experience. Acknowledge it, welcome it, be with it, own it. All of it, especially that which you most judge or avoid.

I’ve written about the Golden Algorithm, or the tendency to avoid certain emotional experiences and how, in the way that you avoid them, you actually create more of that exact experience. When you find yourself trying to fix or problem solve, it’s coming from this exact impulse. There’s something in your inner world that you don’t want to face, something you judge or avoid, and in your unwillingness to be with that, you instead invent a problem that needs to be solved and create all sorts of mayhem. The impulse to fix is an attempt to route around what’s here for you. The antidote is to connect to it. Face it, be with it, and welcome it.

An experiment I invite you to run: whenever you feel as if there’s a problem you need to solve, instead look to uncover the vulnerable¹ truth that you haven’t faced or shared. Welcome it, be with it, and share it.

This is the next step in shifting from solution to connection: once you’ve connected to your self, reveal it to the other person. Especially the stuff you’re scared to reveal. Not because you believe your inner experience is right, but because you want the other person to fully know you in your experience.

At this point, the other person is probably going to have some things that they want to share. So invite them to connect to and share the entirety of their experience, and just listen. Not in the interest of fixing or solving or changing or proving anything. Purely in the interest of knowing them in their experience. Aim to really get them. Try them on. Can you see if you believe what they believed, if you had lived their experience, how you would think and feel exactly the same way? When I let myself totally get the other person and see how their experience is just as true as mine, that’s when I know I’ve really opened up to them. That’s when the magic happens

When I engage in this way, I find it’s like a friendly tennis volley. I share, which prompts them to share, which prompts a new set of experiences and discovery for me, which I then connect to and share, which does the same for them. When we do this back and forth purely in the interest of discovery and connection, we eventually reveal the entirety of ourselves—especially the vulnerable bits—and a clear aligned path reveals itself.

Uncovering your Icebergs

When you stop your attempts to solve and instead drop into current experience, there’s a rich well of information. That which you are avoiding so often contains the information that you most need in order to move forward. Facing that which scares you shows you something important about what you do and don’t want. Revealing that to another and finding what it is for them allows you both to find the most aligned path between you.

So often, we try and solve problems when we’ve only seen the tip of the iceberg. You only have 10% of the information—yours and the others—and are trying to solve with 10%.

By choosing to connect over solve, you’re choosing to reveal more information. Ideally 100%. Here’s what lives in me. What lives in you?

My experience is that when you commit to doing this, you hit a critical mass where the path forward reveals itself. No efforting. No problem to solve. Simply a path illuminating itself by way of revealed truth.

Sometimes, the resolution is that there’s nothing to be done. No problem to solve. All that you needed was to connect and know each other more deeply. Sometimes the path forward is heartbreaking. It’s time for the partnership to end, the business to be shut down. In sharing truth you can get there collectively, in presence and love.

This is the essence of connection: to fully face, own, and reveal your own inner experience, and to be willing to fully listen to and receive the experience of the other. Not from a place of solving for fixing, but in the interest of knowing and being known. It is a profound act of love, for self and other.

The Shift to Connection in Action

Here’s what I’ve seen happen when I, leaders, and teams stop trying to solve and instead invest in connection:

• I’ve had interrelational patterns my partner and I have tried to fix for years make quantum leaps forward in 10 minutes of authentic and vulnerable connection.

• I’ve seen CEOs who were on the verge of firing employees they had personal relationships with suddenly have their entire view of the situation flipped upside down. They then found a new, more aligned place for that person where they proceeded to thrive.

• I’ve seen teams that were scared, stuck, and frustrated have connecting conversations flow for over two hours and leave feeling clear, connected, and as excited as they felt on the day they started their company.

The method is the same every time. Stop treating the situation as a problem, let your defenses down, and get deeply curious about the situation: your experience of it and theirs. Connect in the interest of really getting yourself and each other, and see what happens.

Committing to Connection over Solution

In my work in conscious leadership, we often talk about commitments. In this context, a commitment is a radical thing. To truly commit is to commit to coming back to an intention, a way of being, over and over again. It’s to invite yourself to be aware when you’re off of that commitment, pause, investigate what took you out of it, and to recommit, over and over again. We also have unconscious commitments: that which we are committed to unconsciously, without even realizing it!

Here’s what a conscious commitment to connection and an unconscious commitment to solution look like. Will you run the experiment and choose to commit to connection over solution?

Consciously: I commit to choosing connection over solution. I commit to noticing when I feel that there is a problem to solve or something to fix and instead to face and reveal my inner experience to myself and others. I commit to inquire into the authentic experiences of others in the interest of fully getting them. I commit to connecting fully to myself and other over creating problems to solve.

Unconsciously: I commit to problem-solving over connection. I commit to treating situations as Problems and to attempting to Solve and Fix. In doing so, I commit to creating more problems and reducing the connection I have to myself and those around me. I commit to putting problems over connection.

A Word of Warning

Be wary of using connection as a way to solve problems. If you stop connecting for the sake of connection and start connecting for the sake of problem-solving, it won’t work. The agenda perverts the connection. It’s no longer genuine. You’re no longer discovering the iceberg, you’re back trying to solve and fix.

Here’s the thing. Now that you know about this, you will attempt to use connection to solve-problems. No problem. Here’s my advice:

When you do, out your agenda. Reveal that while you’d like to connect, you’re trying to use connection as a means to problem-solve. You believe there’s a problem to be fixed. And in that moment, let them know you’d like to act as if there’s no problem and recommit to connection and truth and see what happens. What’s here if there’s no problem to solve?

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If you enjoy reading the Leadership Lab, consider clicking the ❤️ or 🔄 button above so more people can discover it on Substack 🙏. It would mean the world to me!

1. I like Joe Hudson’s definition of vulnerability: something you would be or are scared to say.