Peak Performance Newsletter #11 | On Knowing What You Want, Boundary Expansion vs. Violation, and the Motivations of High Performers
Hey All,
I decided to rip off, err… imitate James Clear's 3-2-1 Newsletter. James's newsletter is easily one of the best things on the web. Except, well, I only had 2 really good ideas. So let's call it the 2-2-1 ;). I hope you enjoy it!
2 Ideas
I.
A prerequisite for having a life that you love is knowing what you want in life. For most, this is 90% of the challenge.
If you don't know what you want, you spend years wandering aimlessly chasing shiny objects. You're at the mercy of those around you who seek to use you as a means to their end.
Take the time to get clear on what you want. Ask yourself: What do I want? Then ask yourself where that response comes from. Your first few answers will likely come from your socialized mind and/or survival response.
A good sign that you've hit something real: you want it because you want it. You want it for its own sake.
II.
One common mistake in growth-oriented practices is a "transformation-as-the-end-all-be-all" or "transformation-at-all-costs" mindset. When you relate to things this way, internal boundaries are something to be smashed through in any way possible.
The issue with this approach is that it fails to differentiate between boundary-expansion and boundary-violation.
Boundaries exist for a reason. They are a natural result of our sympathetic nervous system. They're there to protect us. That being said, many of the difficulties we face as adults are the result of our fight-flight response getting activated by stimuli that was once dangerous in childhood, and thus patterned as such, but no longer dangerous in adulthood. The fundamental question then arises: how do we re-pattern this response?
Boundary violation involves moving past the boundary at all costs, often employing force to get to the other side. The issue with violation is that its fundamental strategy is to desensitize you from you internal instincts. It requires you disembody and push yourself through, no matter what. Because it depends on disembodiment it will, in the long run, lead to either complete disembodiment or more realistically, a collapse inward, as the source of power is literally dis-integration of the self. Disintegration isn't long-term sustainable.
The alternative strategy is boundary expansion. This is a process of curiosity, openness, and integration. It recognizes the inherent wisdom of our internal instincts while opening ourselves to conversation with them: "I see that you are protecting me. Might we have a conversation around what it is from? I suspect we may be locked in the past, and there is an opportunity to honor your protective instincts while inspecting if this thing that we are defending us from is as dangerous as we think." It is a process of awareness, acceptance, choice, integration, and ultimately, integrity.
These two processes can look very similar from the outside. Sometimes boundary expansion involves moving past boundaries. Yet the difference is qualitative, it is in the how of the execution. Boundary expansion only moves past boundaries after a conscious awareness and choice within the self, in the spirit of uncovering and displaying that, while the underlying boundary itself is fundamentally wise, this specific instance may be a survival pattern which is projecting danger that there is any.
The difference in the end is clear: integration and integrity vs. disintegration and collapse.
2 Quotes
I.
From Jim Dethmer on the Tim Ferris Show, on the core motivations of high-performers:
"One of the things I’ve observed in myself and then others that I talked to is that actually when somebody starts to do something like meditation or The Work by Byron Katie or these other modalities, there is often, not always, but often a period where something that looks like complacency does emerge. And I think there are many reasons for that, but one of them is that a lot, not all, but a lot of high performers are motivated by some sort of fear at the core of their being, and that motivation has served them very, very well, the fear of a loss of approval or control or security, like a primal instinctual thing. And a lot of the most achievement-oriented, successful people have a large engine of fear sitting in there.
So when you start dealing with that, one of the things that they’re going to face is, “If I’m not motivated, either consciously or unconsciously, by the things that have motivated me, whether it’s fear or extrinsic reward or things like that, what am I going to be motivated by?” And I think that is a really important question for people to explore and discuss, and in my experience, other forms of motivation come online, like creativity, like playfulness, like love. There’s a whole set of motivations that are actually incredibly powerful and don’t leave much of a toxic residue like fear or guilt or shame does. But there is sometimes a gap, so when I’m talking to people and I say, “Now listen, if you’re going to start to do some of these things and unwind some of your core motivations, we’re going to need to anticipate that there might be a period where you’re going to be a no man’s land, and you’re going to go, ‘Holy shit, I’ve lost my mojo.'”"
II.
From Josh Waitzkin in The Art of Learning, on high-performance as conscious embodiment of the inner child:
*"A life of ambition is like existing on a balance beam. As a child, there is no fear, no sense for the danger of falling. The beam feels wide and stable, and natural playfulness allows for creative leaps and fast learning. You can run around doing somersaults and flips, always testing yourself with a love for discovery and new challenges. If you happen to fall off—no problem, you just get back on. But then, as you get older, you become more aware of the risk of injury.... The beam is narrow and you have to stay up there. Plunging off would be humiliating.
While a child can make the beam a playground, high-stress performers often transform the beam into a tightrope. Any slip becomes a crisis. Suddenly you have everything to lose, the rope is swaying above a crater of fire, increasingly dramatic acrobatics are expected of you but the air feels thick with projectiles aimed to dislodge your balance. What was once light and inspiring can easily mutate into a nightmare.
High-level learning is cultivating a resilient awareness that is the older, conscious embodiment of a child's playful obliviousness. This journey, from child back to child again, is at the very core of my understanding of success."*
1 Question
What is motivating you right now?