Understanding and Escaping Perfectionism
How do we break free from the shackles of so-called perfection?
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Chapters:
0:00 Cold Open
1:15 Show Intro
1:39 Today’s Topic - Perfectionism
3:25 Defining Perfectionism
6:15 Why is perfectionism so hot?
10:00 Where does perfectionism come from?
24:00 How does perfectionism commonly show up for people?
32:00 What do we do when we’re struggling with perfectionism?
52:04 Why Perfectionism is Bullshit
54:49 Wrapup
Struggle with perfectionism?
Don’t we all.
There’s something inherently human in seeking perfection and, as a result, wreaking havoc on our health, productivity, and relationships.
In this episode of No Clear Answers Rikki, Corey, and I discuss:
Why perfectionism is so pervasive and timeless
The good intentions beneath perfectionism
Where perfectionism comes from and how perfectionism is embedded in us from an early age
The many ways that perfectionism creates undesired results, including how perfectionism in leaders imposes a big relational tax and creates disempowered teams
And of course, what to do about it
I was most energized by our conversation on where perfectionism comes from. If you grew up in a western culture like I did, perfect was a real a thing in your upbringing: you received a grade between 0 and 100 for everything you did, and perfection was receiving a 100. While that measure was external and arbitrary, many ambitious high-performers (like myself) were validated by and learned to tie their worth to the achievement of that perfection.
Given this, the journey away from perfectionism is a hero’s journey for all of us. It’s a crucible we all must cross on our journey back to our authentic self. It involves rewiring where we get validation and approval from, shedding our habit of looking outward for it, and reclaiming and generating self-authored intention and purpose.
Some of my favorite quotes from the episode:
“Some people believe they have succeeded because of their perfectionism, when in reality they have succeeded despite their perfectionism.”
”Damn near everyone I’ve ever met or heard about recognizes that they have unrecognized, untapped potential. So knowing that there’s a gap between your current self and ideal self fuels perfectionism. It’s well intentioned—I know I’m capable of more, of doing better things, better work—and that translates into perfectionism. So the intent is adaptive, but the actual behavior is maladaptive. You’re constantly striving for it, but your true fully-realized 100% potential isn’t really possible. Because as soon as you reach what you formally thought was your potential you see that you’re capable of more, and that goalpost is forever six feet in front of you. That’s why it’s evergreen and eternal, because we all feel like we’re capable of more and that we’re not currently doing enough to achieve it. And we think that perfectionism—neurotically focusing on the little things—will help bridge that gap, and it never does.”
”A leader mired down in perfectionism oftentimes doesn’t have a clear goal because they’re looking to meet some other unmet need (validation, enoughness, worthiness), and therefore their team can’t possibly have clarity on it. And suddenly they’re driving their team toward an unclear end in a disempowering way because they’re in a sense of fear and scarcity. And that imposes a big relational tax with their peers, employees, and partners.”
”Your problem isn’t perfectionism, it’s your unwillingness to be afraid. It’s not [that] fear is your problem, because when you’re doing things that are ambitious and that you care about you WILL feel fear. Perfectly natural. Perfectionism is trying to chase you away from having the experience of feeling fear.”
Listen on Itunes, Spotify, or Youtube.
Hope you enjoy!
-Justin
If you enjoy reading the Leadership Lab, consider clicking the ❤️ or 🔄 button above so more people can discover it on Substack 🙏